Goodbye to a Ghost

I recently realized after reading someone else's words that I don't share much of myself here on the blog often.  It is something I aim to change.  I am a talker, a smart alec. Someone who finds humor in unexpected places, often inappropriate. I sometimes have the mouth of a sailor but can clean it up at will.  I am a pessimistic optimist. I am passionate about many things including love, my family, and my friends. I am stubborn and goofy, and I am still learning who I am at 36 years old.  It is nerve wracking to put my thoughts and personality out there on the line, but I am all about capturing who we are and what makes us tick, so it is time to step out of my comfort zone.  Sometimes it just takes one event to set the wheels of change in motion.

I received some news yesterday. It left me numb. I am lost. I am drained. I am confused. I want to say I am indifferent but I can’t. I want to say I am sad, but it isn’t so much about losing him as it is about losing what I didn’t have. Then I feel horrible for being self-centered and selfish. It is a circle I have yet to find a way to break.

It wasn’t a surprise, the news that he was gone. He was just over two months shy of his 90th birthday. He had beat death in the bottom of the ninth not just once, but multiple times. He knew what he wanted and what he didn’t and had told those that needed to know. But in the back of my mind, he would be like the rest of that part of the family tree and out last us all, no matter what God threw at him.

It has been years since I have seen him. The last was a quick visit through Maine. I feel guilty that I cannot remember when that was. We spent a short evening together where he met his great grandchildren then returned to his world. I sent him photos of the children on occasion. I gave him the information for my blog in hopes he might be interested in seeing part of our lives. We crawled back to our separate worlds to be connected by occasional updates from family members.

So I am sitting alone in the silence trying to pick through the minefield of emotions coursing through my mind. The tears come and go, though I am not sure why. I am saddened at the passing of any life mostly because I feel for those left behind to fill in the void. Am I saddened by the passing of my grandfather, a virtual stranger in my life? Or am I saddened because the last chance of change is gone? There is no more hoping for the someday. It is a finality of a different sort.

So I will start to make my peace with my relationship with my grandfather. I will continue to pick apart these feelings, poke a stick into the dark places to see what is there. I will find a way to reconcile my feelings of loss mixed with a bit of bitterness. I will say my goodbyes to the daydream of what might have been and find some comfort in the what is. I will find the inspiration to give my children something different so they are not left to say goodbye to a ghost.